Oslo the VERY long Version - Day II

March 25^th 2006

I was quite worried about waking up, when my brain was first starting to surface out of sleep it occurred to me I might have a hangover. And I assume they are quite bad nasty things as lots of people make a fuss about them. And I don’t really ever want one, and maybe if I stay asleep I wont get one because I will sleep through it. Oh pants I’m awake now.. oo tentative poking round the inside of my head.. all clear! Well not clear, decidedly blegh actually, but I think that’s due to the four hours of sleep really, whooo no hangover!!!

Terje and his girlie (who’s name I should remember but don’t, mostly because I couldn’t actually say it even at the time let alone now I’m trying to remember it all ages after!) were heading off out. They were needed off down at the venue to get stuff set up for h later. Oh yes h, I’d forgotten that’s why I was here! Not just some random trip to Oslo!

Æusmund and I crashed on the sofa playing with Terje’s insanely cool music centre thing! I have to explain this because it is just so wicked! First thing you need to bear in mind is the size of Terje’s CD collection. It is insanely big and cool! He had a bookcase floor to ceiling down pretty much the length of one wall of his flat and it was full! My god I thought my Daddy had lots of CD’s wow!! MUSIC!!! And as if that wasn’t good enough it was all awesome stuff like Marillion and stuff that Steve Wilson had somehow been involved in YAY!

Ooo right yes the music thingy- well Terje has spent disgusting amounts of time loading this entire lot onto his computer, and has titled all of it up and found all of the artwork! Having just uploaded my very small CD collection onto my i-pod and knowing how long that took I cannot imagine how long it must have taken him, I’m impressed.

He then he has his computer wired into the very big sexy plasma tv, and get this has a wireless keyboard so you can sit the other side of the room and scroll through everything! ARGHHHH I want one!!! This is how all music collections should be!!! Oh yes and as if that wasn’t good enough he has all of his DVDs loaded on there too! How disgustingly big must his hard-drive be?! ARGHHH I WANT ONE!! Hehehe!!!

So we laid there for hours listening to tons of stuff, it was so cool! He played me Opeth and about 5 bars in I said ‘oh this sounds like the porcies’ he said I got a gold star because they were produced by Steve Wilson. That made me skip about in glee that I’m actually good enough to be able to recognize Mr Wilson’s work! And as if I didn’t know it already it just served to remind me exactly how dam talented that boy is!! Whoo I’m so lucky I love such amazing musicians!!! How do the hip-hop-pop brigade survive?!

I did keep saying I was going to go and do the tourist bit, and that I really should be off in a museum reading about harpoons, but every time I got close to leaving I would decide that actually laid here listening to No-man was better, largely because it involved so little effort!

But I did look out the window, it was a nice day with long patches of blue sky. I remember looking out over all the rooftops and thinking how different everything looked. Just the way the colours of the buildings were slightly different because the sky was a different blue to the blue it is at home, and then the fact they were painted colours at all. Lots of yellow buildings, I suppose it must be the fashion or tradition over here.

We live in such a homogenous and small global community where it is easy to slip into believing we are all the same that it is always odd to remember that we are in fact very different after all. I can see why we think like that, it is a good safe and constructive way to think, nice and equal, Christian democratic. The things that we share most easily, or register first are the things that are the same. The way we get the same jokes because we’ve both seen the same Hollywood film, or have eaten the same food because we have a Mac Donalds down the road. Empire building and colonization through the back door- Geography is everywhere.

So in a whole different culture in a whole different country, that has lots of snow and a very blue sky, wow!

Terje and his girl finally came back, and we realized that it was about three in the afternoon! About an hour of insisting I was ‘going’ I finally left, with some nice clear instructions about how to get to the tram stop.

It was nice to be outside again in the clear cold air surrounded by piles of glistening snow. I got on the tram which was driven by yet another utterly gorgeous person. He tolerated my bad Norwegian nobly and said he’d tell me when we got to central Oslo in perfect English. I think it must be some odd requirement of the Oslo transport agency that you have to be stunningly beautiful, really helpful and speak perfect English. I think it’s a policy we should most definitely introduce in the UK.

Back to the central square, delicately touching the memories of stars and singing that were still fresh in my mind. I think that square was built to be seen at night, it made it somehow glitter, and made its edges and its heart deeper.

I floated up the main street, looking at the people. I was on my own and didn’t understand what anyone was saying, it made me feel oddly like I was invisible, just a visitor to this planet. It was quite cool really, I felt utterly free like I could have just stood there forever watching the beautiful world go past.

I got to the park and walked up past the empty winter trees draped in their mantles of crystal snow. There were pretty sculptures around the place, full of angles and shapes. There was an outdoor ice-rink, I’ve always wanted to see one of those. In it was such a perfect little scene I sat down on the park bench and just watched for a while.

There were children playing on the ice, a little girl in a pink coat that shone against the white of the snow whizzing around with her Daddy. Twin girls with long blonde plaited hair, they wore the same blue coats, and had one pair of smart white ice-skates between them. One of the sisters had the skates on, she looked new and unsure, coltish even on the ice. The other twin was sure footed, and confidently pulled her sister by the hands round the rink. It made me think of my sister, and our childhood in the woods, when I was small and she would be better at things than me because she was bigger. There was a tiny boy, wearing a smart little coat that was navy blue with red trim. He wore mittens and wellies, his grandmother held one of his hands and his mother held the other and they tentatively trod on the edge of the rink, almost as if they were paddling on the ice.

I don’t see little children often, that may sound strange but I don’t have any reason to go near them. I don’t know anyone that has one, and I don’t live near a school or park. I forget the way they act, I forget how pretty they are to watch. It makes me sad that you can’t say or think that without sounding like a creepy nutcase because it’s not like that at all. It’s just nice to watch the little people having fun, and to know how this little moment will be a happy memory to a grown up person who has become something one day.

I would have brought Gabriel and Jessica here and held their little mittened hands on the ice. I know I shouldn’t think of them like that, they were never real, just a concept, but somehow letting myself have little moments where I can almost smell their soft hair against my face makes it easier to cope with the fact I will never get to meet them. It’s funny that sounds really sad, when actually it was just a gentle lovely day dream. Aw well in another universe I’m sure I don’t have CF and they never wrote EQ and me and Bryan work out and have our family and our marriage just how it was supposed to be.

Pretty floaty randomness… Look at all the trees and snow! I carried on my way up towards the palace, at the top of the steps which led up to the path that cuts diagonally across the park I stopped for a moment. I noticed there was a woolly hat on the ground. I’d lost mine the night before, it must have got caught up in the hood of tall Terje’s coat when he bundled it round me, and then just have dropped unnoticed to the ground. I decided right then that there is in fact a big unspoken communal sharing of hats in Oslo, and as I had donated mine, very kindly and clearly on purpose the night before, it was only right and true that I take this one!

Finally got ‘home’ at about 5pm! Hehe dirty stop out! I did my physio because I knew I really needed to, and then decided it would be nice to have a shower. It turned out that the supposed staff/utility cupboard thing was in fact a very nifty little bathroom! So I had a nice shower, well nice up to the point where I decided I would lean my arm against the wall right where the hot water pipe was! Managed to brand my arm- nice! (you can see the red line down my arm, in my artwork competition photo, if you were wondering where it came from now you know!)

I then had to sleep. I set an alarm to wake myself up in an hours time as I figured I really ought to eat before the gig on the basis I hadn’t eaten anything since my salad in the airport and that had been a long time ago. That alarm went off far too soon and I decided I needed to sleep a lot more than I needed to eat, so I just fell asleep again and trusted myself to wake up within an hour or so. Which may sound a little foolish but I know from experience that I have an amazing internal alarm clock and if I decide I need to wake up at a specific time, more often than not I will. However it’s not so amazing that it can automatically reset when I change time-zones!

I woke up to realize I had just half an hour to get down to the centre of Oslo! I got dressed decided I looked pretty ok, set my mini-disk recording so I didn’t have to panic and faff with it in the half dark of the gig and walked out my room.

Had a bit of a fright in the mirror! Paranoid about having wet hair in the cold air I had laid it out like a mermaids round me when I slept so it would dry. It had set like that, only instead of mermaid think CRAZY scientist, oh my goodness pouf just doesn’t cover it! Eeeek!

Five minutes later having managed to fight my scary hair into plaited bunches, which I thought was rather fitting as I was in the land of the Vikings, shoving on ‘some’ coats, and my new woolly hat who’s free ice crust had now been suitably melted off, I headed down into Oslo centre.

I went past the Hardrock again thinking of my Daddy, then on to the central square. Æusmund had put his number in my phone, and I’d said I’d call him and we could meet up and he’d show me the way to the gig. Only his number didn’t work because we hadn’t entered the dialing code properly! Argh I didn’t have time for this h was due on stage soon!

I had been doing so well at not being lost in Oslo, why I’d almost had bearings for a moment there! Oh well back to being a useless tourist after all…TAXI! In my very best Norwegian I asked if he could take me to the venue, he looked at me a little blankly, so I handed him the piece of paper I had it written on, whilst apologizing in a very English fashion for only having the name of the venue and not the whole address. Understanding what the hell this crazy girl was after he gave me that decidedly universal taxi driver grin and put the car in gear. While I watched the meter creep up at a very alarming speed!

My conversion skills are a little rough, but it was somewhere in the region of £10 to go about three streets, crikey expensive country! Aw well I didn’t care I was there safely! Whooo my utterly darling gorgeous Mr h, I was going to get to see him soon yay!

Terje and Karstein were manning the door, both grinning like naughty over excited pesty little school boys!! Yay almost gig time whoooo!!! They stamped my wrist and I wandered over to the bar, where I’d spotted the rest of the gang from the night before.

They had saved me a seat and were all really pleased I’d made it as they had been starting to worry. Æusmund asked if I was going to have a pint, but I declined as I was really thirsty as I hadn’t drunk anything since the beer I’d had at about 4am that morning! Mmm water, don’t think I’ve ever been so glad to see it!

Everyone was really excited and there was a really warm cosy atmosphere. The room was kind of L shaped, and the stage was in the corner of the L. They had a baby grand sat there. For a very long time it has been a dream of mine to see h play a grand piano, he is just that beautiful it seems the most fitting thing he could play. Technically he played on one in Girona but that was such a weird place with no proper atmosphere I had decided that it didn’t count. I knew this time it certainly would! Wow how many dreams can come true in one trip?

I went Gazpacho hunting briefly and found some of them and gave them big cuddles as I hadn’t seen them since Paris on the ‘Not quite Christmas’ Marillion tour, yay so great to see them again!

Then back to my seat with all the guys! More people had arrived and were all stood in front of us, tall Terje asked them if they would mind sitting down, and very politely they all did on the edge of the stage, like good polite little school children!

Then a slight hush and intake of breath and h minced into the room and onto the stage wearing his skunk coat! Hehe that thing is SO hideous, but SO h you just have to love it!

He sat down at the piano, paused for a moment asked if we were ok to which there was a decidedly Norwegian cheer then he started playing. He just tinkled gently on the beautiful piano for a moment, not really playing anything in particular, and then started singing.

Here I was all this way from home, a big adventure on my own deciding important things about who I am going to be in this new life of mine, and he sung what has unquestionably been, since I first heard it twelve years before, one of the most important and utterly defining songs of my life- Brave. I got to hear it sung to me by one of the most beautiful people in my entire world, on a grand piano close enough to me that I could have just stepped forward and held him, in a country I’ve wanted to visit all my life surrounded by stars and ice. Wow. Very precious moment of my existence that. For all those people that don’t understand why I go so far to see the music that I love being played, that should give you some insight.

He rolled effortlessly into Ocean Cloud, I don’t know how he can play that without the rest of the band, it is such an immense song, in all ways. Yet there he was on his own, playing it so well that it sounded like there was an entire wild wide ocean swirling around him on the stage. I think the verb to be in awe is applicable at this point.

He then introduced himself and the point of the tour, namely paying off his tax bill to the audience, the atmosphere was warm and genial. I was glad he was not cutting this bit out just because he was in a foreign country. He then told the story of This Strange Engine in full. I know it well and have understood that it’s all true since it was first written, but it’s like any comfortable old story, it is always nice to hear it again. It was also very amusing to watch h demonstrating the geography of England and the location of the Lake district by holding his hand in the shape of our island and pointing to bits of it!

He then read ‘A Few Words For The Dead’ like a poem; I couldn’t help but hear the music that goes around it as he read the words. It made me smile to hear his storytelling voice, and I thought of Nile and Sophie and how they must have been when they were little curled up listening to their Daddy telling them stories in that voice. And thinking of them all grown up now, just like me. It also made me think of the starlit street the night before ‘they chanted his mantra together together together, they were happy’ I was indeed a very happy girl, out here living my way through this dream, wow.

Lots of beautiful songs washing over me, and lots of watching this exceptionally gorgeous young man sat just over from where I was. I debated going to say hello after the gig, but then remembered I was in Norway and I can’t, despite my valiant attempts, speak Norwegian, which was a terrible shame, because he was quite stunning, all enchanting blue eyes and yummyness!

Then as if Brave hadn’t been enough h sang ‘When I Meet God’ my favorite song off the Anoraknophobia album. That album came out about six years ago, and in all that time I have never heard this song live. I don’t know why they don’t play it, I happen to think it is one of the best songs ever written, to finally get to hear it, and sung here on this night, needless to say I cried my eyes out.

‘When I meet God I’m going to ask her, what makes her laugh? What makes her cry? Is she just stars and indigo gas? Does she know why love has no end? But its dark angel friend, tearing women and men, slowly apart’

If I’d had to cross the whole world to hear that, I would have done gladly. Easily one of the best songs ever written, thank you my darling Steve.

‘Better Dreams’ first song off of the ‘Ice Cream Genius’ album that I’ve heard all tour. One of those awesome songs that just utterly defines why I love this man’s beautiful soul so much. ‘Can we dream better dreams than these?’ hushed painful sigh from the audience, more tears from me, you can’t answer that question after the way the song asks it. Seriously moving stuff, Ice Cream Genius indeed; or maybe just plain genius.

‘Cloudbusting’ my favorite song of the moment since he sang it in Liverpool. Technically a Kate Bush cover, but wow does it make me smile, another one of those songs that for no reason whatsoever makes me think of Jonathan, I like songs that do that. The way he sang the opening line ‘I still dream’ wow he just made it sound like open sky, like that moment when you first look out the window onto mountains and woods in the sunlight in the morning dawn. Eeeeek! My darling Mr Hogarth I do love you very much, you are SO good at this singing malarky!

‘Afraid Of Sunlight’ a delicate and beautiful song, that always brings an audience to awed silence, tonight was no exception. The way the notes flowed out the piano, accompanied by the gentle ache of his voice, just stunning. It sounded like pain and sadness, and the first fingers of the days sunrise caressing the shores of the world. ‘I’m already dead it’s a matter of time’. Best rendition I’ve heard of it since the Walls.

‘Working Town’ an amazing song, and a personal favorite of the Norwegians. I have come to view it almost as an extension of ‘This Strange Engine’ and it was sad to think that I won’t get to hear it again for a long time. It is from h’s ‘How We Live’ album. I have since found said album and it has to be said is it is shockingly 80’s in style in places, which shouldn’t be so shocking considering that’s when it was written, but my goodness it made me glad music has developed since then. However even back then when synthesizers abounded this track stood out as special. Twenty years on, on a grand piano, with h’s voice at the best I’ve heard it for years this song was really quite stunning. It sounded like the rain and the north and the dark political cultural massacre of Thatcherism, with echoes of The Strange Engine across it awesome stuff.

The bouncy Beatle-esqu genius of ‘Three Minute Boy’ I wanted it to be like Liverpool, it wasn’t quite, but then Liverpool was something quite quite special, still brilliant with tons of joyfully atrociously bad audience singing all over it hehe!!

H ended the gig with the Bowie classic ‘Life on Mars’ such a brilliant song, and of course everyone loved it. It made me think back to Liverpool where my mum had been surprised I knew the words. Which I had been miffed about at the time, what kind of Crossland would I be if I didn’t?!

Oh no don’t be the end, don’t be the end!!! Argh SO good, why do they always have to have the stupid bit where they end?! He could just play forever, I really wouldn’t mind… oh well there will be a new Marillion album and tour soon, I will get to see him sing again then.

Post-gig mooching yay! I had such a great time! I stood talking with two new Norwegians who were friends with my lot; they had also been at the Misplaced Neighborhood gig the night before. They were a little disappointed that h hadn’t played any Fish era Marillion tracks. Diplomatically, in my best Web-esque-spokesperson- mode I said that yes it would have been nice for the audience if he had played something like ‘Sugar Mice’ but it wasn’t appropriate to the concept of the tour. The whole thing, quite aside from paying the tax bill, is quite specifically about Steve and all the songs that have meant most to him over the years. So the Marillion and solo songs as well as songs like ‘Wichita Line Man’ which was his Daddy’s favorite and ‘Famous Blue Raincoat’ which he feels is one of the best songs ever written. To a large extent Fish era songs have no real place in the set.

They also wished he’d spoken more about how he came to join Marillion at all and how him and the band go about writing songs, and what his relationships with the other band members are like. I tried to explain how it was difficult for Steve to be able to talk about things like that because it is too political. Anything he says, no matter how well meant is too easily taken out of context especially on the clique-filled-small minded message boards that sadly seem to surround the band. People have this horrid way of twisting things till it would sound like the band were falling apart, or that h was trying to turn Marillion into his own personal backing band like some lead singers are given to doing. (ooo… breath in…retract claws…see…see… even I do it! Shocking stuff!)

Though I did know what they meant…how did h come to join Marillion? I am going to have to ask him some time, I really should know that by now! Clearly just not obsessive enough haha! Must just be my anorak phobia playing up again :oP

Then I had a very random conversation with Tomas from Gazpacho, who was a ‘little’ bit drunk hehe! He said he was really sorry that they had all been too busy to see me all weekend, and I of course told him not to be so silly! He said next time I came over I had to stay at his, and he’d give me a key and stuff, oh but was I allergic to cats (h is VERY allergic to cats) which I’m not, so he told me that I had to come and stay at his and he’d give me a key and stuff, but was I allergic to cats?!

Cat allergies aside we got talking about Gazpacho’s muzac :o) Last time I saw them all I’d heard of their work was the support acts they played for Marillion in Glasgow and Paris. Three albums and a certain long period of addictively having their three albums on loop it was great to be able to tell them how spiffing they are!

We talked a lot about ‘When Earth Lets Go’ possibly the most beautifully titled song ever, which also happens to be rather awesome, and possibly my favorite Gazpacho track, though that would involve having to choose just one which would be technically impossible!

I didn’t entirely follow what Tomas was saying as he was just a ‘little bit’ drunk, but from what I gathered the rest of the band aren’t that fond of it as a track, but it is one of his personal favorites and I think he quite liked getting the opportunity to talk to someone else who liked it. The point where I lost him was when he tried to explain what it was about, from what he was saying I think it is about his father’s funeral and what his father must have thought in that moment - Quite beautiful. More importantly however, am I allergic to cats?! Next time I come over I really have to stay over at his, but he does have a cat! Hehe cute little drunken Viking!

Then I had to go and there was some hovering about, and it turned out we weren’t going at all! In that very complicated way that things are when drunken people are trying to organize stuff and each other!

I ended up sat with Terje and his girlie and Æusmund all talking about the gig. Æusmund was still sparkling over the gorgeous ‘Afraid of Sunlight’. Terje, hehe oh this was so funny! You kind of have to know how Terje is in person to get this, but its fair to say he’s a proper big gruff passionate and serious Viking type but there he was raving about how h had sung ‘The Model’ and doing giggling impressions of the very awful plinky German pop original. Just to hear him even say the word ‘plinky’ was hilarious, let alone having him doing impression, he had me in complete hysterical fits of giggles till I nearly fell off the bench!

Then I was playing with Karstiens jacket for a while. He had spotted me ogling it in awe for it is a rather amazing jacket and he very cutely took it off and laid it on my lap like a blanket so I could look at it. It’s a leather jacket, standard biker length, but it’s the back that’s awesome. He’s had it painted, ‘Marillion’ is written across the top in the old text they used to use in the Fish era. Then covering the whole back is the ‘Seasons End’ snowflake wreathed in ‘Afraid Of Sunlight’ flames, if I had any hope in hell of being able to wear a biker jacket I would want one exactly like that! Topped off by the Porcupine Tree hoodie hehe this man is a dude!

And then for no reason at all we suddenly burst into a round of ‘If My Heart Was A Ball It Would Roll Uphill’ and Terje did his best scary monster faces while I harmonized over the top! Then I spotted h so I danced off to give him the letter I’d written to him.

‘You’re an awfully long way from home aren’t you?’- floaty, h like

‘Yep, and I’m here all on my own!’- smiling proudly

Big Cuddles! YAY!!! My gorgeous boy Steve has THE MOST lovely cuddles in the whole wide world!!! YAY!!! YAY!!!

I gave him his letter and said I would catch up with him soon, there were lots of people there who don’t get to see him much, and well he always knows where I am. More big cuddles that just said everything we ever really need to say, big kisses goodbye, and off he danced.

On my way back across the room I spotted Yan from Gazpacho, so said hello, he shoved people up and insisted I sat down, so I did. As I had with Tomas told him I’d finally got a chance to listen to the albums, and indeed my dear Daddy was right, once again, and that they are infact quite awesome, so big congratulations on all the bands hard work. He tried to do the humble wiggling out of it bit, so I just cuddled him till he stopped being silly hehe! He told me exciting rumors about certain Mr Hogarth shaped beings maybe doing some guest vocals on the new album eeek! And and and whooo they may be doing a slot at the next Marillion weekend!! ARGHHHH how cool!!!

He asked if I liked Norway, so I told him I thought it was alright hehe! But then spoilt my deadpan act by squeaking loudly and excitdely ‘IM TOTALLY IN LOVE AND MOVING OUT AS SOON AS I POSSIBLY CAN!!’ to which he also apologized for not getting to show me round more, and that next time I came over we’d organize it all better and I’d have to stay with one of them. So I told him about Tomas and the cat, and we both giggled over that.

Then it was about three in the morning again and everyone was wandering off to Terje’s. They invited me along, but I knew I’d never get back to Oslo centre via my hotel and to the bus station if I did, so I couldn’t really go.

Lots of big cuddles all round, I really didn’t want to go! Lots of promises to see each other and do this all again soon. Marill weekend 2007? Bring it on! Argh more cuddles, and tearing myself away. One last round.

Karstien did crack me up, as he clapped me round the shoulders he said in a very drunk-serious voice ‘Toria, I like you very much, but I am sorry I love your father more!’ I told him it was fine I’m used to it! I seem to spend half my life on tour explaining that ‘no sorry he’s not here, it’s just me!’ haha! Love!

I asked them if they could tell me a taxi number so I could get home. They all looked a bit shocked. So I explained about not wanting to walk home on my own at three in the morning through the park. They still didn’t see the problem! So I was like it’s not safe. And they were all ‘well why not?’ Wow! I now officially love Oslo more than I already did! Walk home I shall!!

Ok more cuddles…really have to go now…bye…byeeeeee!!!

I walked away, zen navigating myself back to the main street. I even used a cut through I’m that good at it! I walked through the theatre district which was full of big neon signs and lots of people in the street. An awful lot of people in fact for three in the morning in the very cold air, but then this is Norway and they do like outside, they also aren’t allowed to smoke inside, oo strange social phenomenon caused by indoor smoking bans how fascinating! I can’t see this being so jovial in the grumpy old UK, I wonder if the government has considered that? Haha ban it anyway, nasty smokey people belong in the streets!

Then up to the park, aww this is a big love of mine. I think it would be fair to say in the dark glittering quiet between trees and snow and stars at the foot of the Oslo palace I found one of the most amazing spaces of existence in the whole wide universe.

This single moment was something of a pinnacle of the whole trip. All the memories of it all, the last gorgeous moment that I enjoyed before I began disconnecting and preparing my mind for coming home.

The air like shimmering diamonds in my blood, so many stars, they felt so close to the earth and I could feel them shinning on me. The trees black and achingly exquisite all photogenic and full of shadows and angles and power. And me, little me this brave brave girl. All the memories of my lifetime flicking through my head, all the things that had led me to this single point. And here I was.

I cannot convey the gravity of this moment and everything that it meant to me that I was even there. I spend so much time fighting to be alive, and still never feeling well, and being scared of what is coming, and pushing myself to become everything that I am capable of and worrying that I will run out of time before I get there. Being strong enough to face what is coming, I worry when it comes I wont be strong enough to take it.

Yet just for a moment I stopped. My entire soul stopped. And I realized I’m already there. That I am strong enough to be enough of myself to come this far from home alone, and to see as much beauty in the world around me as I had seen in the last few days. That’s all I’m ever going to need. I can take it. Capable of anything. All on my own, which is exactly how its going to be. Here I am proving utterly to myself that I’m going to be able to take it, all on my own I’m going to be able to stand there and face the darkest hardest bit all on my own, and I’m not going to break.

Tears falling into the ice and snow of Oslo’s hallowed ground. I looked at my wrist, the stamp from the gig was on it. An unintelligible scribble at first glance. Then I realized it was an H and an N, for Hier Nilsson the venues name. Smiling I thought it also stood for h in Norway, gravely I thought that it symbolized this moment utterly and I should have it tattooed into my skin so I never forget this moment. Because I lost this belief in myself, inside the horrid aching broken mess of loving Bryan too much, I lost this strength, and right here right now under all these stars I got it back.

I don’t really remember much after that, just walking up the hill, gently stroking my wrist and reveling in the tacit sensation of strength that was renewed and wrapped filigree around my magical purple core. Brave Brave girl…Capable of anything.