The Week Of Sunshine

As you can see it's been a fantastic but busy week, full of glorious sunshine. It's been lovely to be able to get out in the garden even though I must admit I haven't actually made it out there as much as I should have.

Mostly I just wanted to make a statement about how happy I am at the moment. So many of my diary /blog entries are depressing and miserable, full of moans about CF and not being able to breathe and being stuck in hospitals.

Right now is just wonderful, not perfect, but in a good real-life sort of way that doesn't matter. Yes my health could be better, and yes Luke and Edward can be monkeys, but with the sun shining and both my boys cuddled round me that seems kind of irrelevant. I wake up each morning to Edward's smiles, and fall asleep each night in Luke's arms covered in kisses. Though sorting the flat has been stressful, and not over yet, it is still fantastically exciting to think that soon we will be back in London where we will have a house to ourselves. The convenience of the city is also going to be liberating, I have missed it every day since I left and can't wait for everything to be either on my doorstep or just a bus ride away.

Here's to a long summer with my family stretched out in Hyde Park under blue blue sky :o)

Grand Designs

Luke looking very cute and Daddy-ish :o)

Luke and Edward looking at the groovy huts at the Grand Design we think should be put in the woods at Greatham for the teenagers to hang out in :o)

After the drama and excessive walking on Tuesday we, well I, spent Wednesday resting and chilling out. Luke played WOW, and I watched bad reality shows with Shellie, including lots of episodes of the Apprentice and Project Runway.

Thursday the plan was to be at the estate agents by 12, but in reality we didn't make it till about half past. The agent there was very nice though obviously new as he struggled with the computer system. After we'd finished there we went to Starbuck's to feed Edward and also to get some drinkies and nibbles for ourselves. I had a berry drink and a butterfly cake, Luke had a hideous creme caramel thing that taste burnt and some cheesecake which obviously wasn't as it disappeared at speed :o)

After our naughty use of taxi's on Tuesday, and given the fact we were feeling rather poor as the costly reality of our new flat started to sink in we decided to be good and brave the underground. I tried to carry Edward's buggy as I've done it before, but I'm just not strong enough at the moment. So in a very impressive demonstration of manliness Luke picked carried everything down into the tube and we headed out to the Excel center in Docklands.

We are both big fans of Grand Designs and often watch it, then plan our own dream house so when we saw the show advertised we'd decided to get tickets and go along though we weren't quite sure what to expect. There had been a show on Channel 4 all week coming live from the exhibition but we'd decided not to watch it as we didn't want to spoil anything.

We got there, and after some compliments on our 'Rolls Royce of a buggy' we wandered into the show. It wasn't entirely what I'd expected, I think I'd thought it would have lots of entire rooms and houses on display. In reality it was lots of 'stalls' selling furniture, gadgets and then mostly materials such as granite with which to build and furnish your grand design. It was still pretty cool, and fun to look at all the things, however I think we would have got a lot more from the show if we had a house or were building one. Which I suppose in retrospect seems kind of obvious.

There were some fun exhibits there however, such a a clock that dripped glue as it rotated to form a sculpture, they had a camera recording it's progress so I suppose you will be able to watch its full formation on the C4 website or something. There was also a display where you could take a tree seed and in it's place leave a pledge to make the environment better. I took a silver birch seed and pledged to make more of an effort to recycle more of my medical waste as there is so much of it and a lot is card. Outside there was a house they were building, we hoped to see Kevin McCloud but he was, disappointingly, no where to be seen. I also had a look inside a little house called an Eco-pod, should the flat fall through I think I may buy one and have it erected in my parents garden.

Both thoroughly exhausted, especially poor Luke who'd had to heft the buggy and rucksack around single handedly, we headed home.

We have been half planning a trip to London to do something for ages, however haven't been able to decide on what to go and see, nor have I been any where near well enough, so it was REALLY nice to finally be able to go out and see something.

I suppose technically this was in fact our first family outing ....how very grand :o)

Flat Hunting

Well after months of sitting about doing almost nothing due to either illness or sheer laziness this week finally saw us all be busy little bees :o)

The week kicked off on Tuesday when we went to London to view flats, I'd tried to arrange a bunch of appointments on the Friday, which had been both exciting but frustrating. A lot of the agents turned me away outright because I mentioned the dreaded 'DSS' word, however once I stopped mentioning that things all got a lot better, however a large number left me with maybes or 'so and so will call on Tuesday'.

It was the first time we'd even had to be out the house by a certain time which proved interesting and threw us both into a bit of a spin as I danced about with my nebuliser and Luke stood holding Edward's bag asking me what he should put in it. Despite the chaos however we made it to our first appointment on time. It was lovely quiet little street not far from the Edgware Rd. and the flat itself was lovely, however it was on the 1st floor. We didn't rule it out but knew if we saw something on the first floor, even if it wasn't as nice it would win outright just through sheer practicality.

We then had a bit of a gap between appointments and so decided to head over to Baker St. and get some food for us, feed Edward and find somewhere to change him. While we were there I also started opening Edward's savings account but annoyingly the woman was too busy to see us, so I did it over the phone, then the bloke buggered off and I couldn't find anyone to photocopy my passport, which was annoying as it means I'm going to have to go in another time.

I changed Edward in MacDonalds despite Luke and I's significant reservations he may catch chav germs. He screamed the entire time we were in there, clearly he has taste, and then promptly fell asleep the minute I put him back in his buggy so he didn't get fed in the end! (well not till a bit later clearly I didn't starve the poor child)

The second flat was split level over two floors, the bedrooms were downstairs and a bit dingy a fact not helped by the fact all the shutters were closed. The lounge and kitchen upstairs however were pretty nice, as they had really high ceilings and shutters. It wasn't as nice decor wise as the first place, however it won out on space and the fact it was kind of first floor.

After that Luke and I decided to go and get us some lunch at Zizzis as we hadn't eaten there for ages. They have changed the place it's all green and black now, which though trendy doesn't entirely go with the Italian food. While we were waiting for our meal to arrive I woke Edward and fed him, though kind of bashed his poor little head on the edge of his car-seat ooops!!

I realized we were going to be a little late for our next appointment, and phoned the agent who luckily was able to hang around and wait for us. We got a taxi over as we were late, and also because I was starting to get pretty tired having walked most of the way up and down between Baker St. and the Edgware Rd. more than once.

The taxi dropped us outside one of the entrances to a huge apartment block, we hung about looking a little lost debating which way to go to find the agent who was going to meet us outside Natwest. A big black chap, who turned out to be a porter at the block, came up and asked if he could help, we told him we were waiting to meet an agent, and he asked which one, clearly knowing most of the ones that regularly show people the block. He wasn't familiar with our one, but took us round the corner to Natwest and wished us all the best. It was a really nice warm greeting to the place and set Luke and I's hopes high.

Our agent finally appeared and took us round to a different, and much grander entrance that had kind of gardens. We went into a side entrance off that main courtyard into a marble lobby. The lift was only big enough to take Edward and I, so Luke and the agent went up the stairs. The hallway was carpeted and very clean and quiet, he took us to the end to the apartment he was going to be showing us.

Luke and I were both pretty excited as the whole place seemed really nice, and when he opened the door we were both thrilled as we looked into the wood floored hallway lit by nice spotlights. We walked straight past the brand new sparkly kitchen and through the double doors into the massive bright lounge that looks out over the gardened courtyard. The agents phone went off and while he answered that Luke and I showed ourselves round, which actually suited me fine as I find hovering agents kind of irritating. Both the bedrooms were big doubles, rather than a double and a single with a double bed squeezed in which is what you usually find in London. The bathroom is super swanky with a huge deep bath, and one of those showers that has those big wide heads. Oooo it was so exciting!!

As we were stood outside the flat leaving, and the agent was locking up Luke laughed at me and said I had that glint in my eye and he was pretty sure this would be the one. However we agreed it was best to see the last one, as so far each flat we'd seen had been better than the one before.

So back we went over almost to Baker St. again and met the agent outside the flat. He took us into the building which like all the buildings down that street had the feel of being the kind of place where diplomats and very rich business men stay. He took us down into the basement and showed us the flat. I don't know why but I just didn't like it at all, it felt oddly like a hotel, and was tiny and not all that clean, it did have a nice little courtyard though which was very tempting. Overall though we decided it was a 'No' and that we should call the agent about the flat in apartment block.

We walked down to a park we'd seen hoping we could sit in there, but sadly it was a private one and you had to have a key :o( So sat in a very glamorous fashion on a salt bin I called the agent and we made our offer. He said it sounded fine, but that he'd have to speak to the landlord and he'd call us back and that if it was fine we could meet up and do the paperwork.

By this point I was REALLY thirsty so Luke and I headed back to the Edgware Rd. to get a drink and await 'the call'. Luke wossed out of going in any of the Asian cafes and so in the end we sat in Baskin and Robins which was bizzarely warm for an ice-cream shop.

Finally after what seemed like hours of nervously spinning my phone around on the table each of us pointing out to each other what a marvelous place to live the apartment would be the agent finally called back, and after clearly reveling in his dramatic moment told me our offer had been accepted. We arranged to go to his office to pay our deposit and sign the paperwork, and hopped in a taxi.

We weren't sure we were in the right place at first as the address on the business card was this huge swanky glass building with one of those freakishly quiet lobby's with imposing security guards. However we were assured we were in the right place, and had photos taken of us to go on our security badges. It seemed a bit overkill till we noticed that this building also happened to be AOL's HQ.

After a rather embarrassing incident involving a stupidly narrow doorway and Edward's buggy we made it into the agents office's and signed the paperwork and paid our monies. He explained that we were now going to be dealt with by another agent who would do all the contracts and things as he was just an introducing party and that the property wasn't actually marketed by him. In hindsight it was a bit dodgy and I think we were a bit ripped off by him as he charged us £175 just to show us one flat, but you live and learn! And actually the agency we are now with are far more reputable and I'm a lot more comfortable giving them disgustingly large amounts of money. (Even though technically it's my sisters money and the HB that's not the point!)

Exhausted and in no mood to negotiate buses or tubes we got a taxi back to Victoria and came home to bed!

All fingers, toes and eyes crossed the apartment is ours whoooo!!!!!

Been a while...

Like so many blogs upon the web this one has been horribly neglected for far too long, almost a year in-fact.

There are many reasons for this, partly I lost my log in details and couldn't be arsed to spend the whole 3 minutes it takes to find them. The last posts on here were just before exam season where I was rather busy handing in course-work and cramming so I just didn't find or make the time.

Not long after that I found out I was pregnant. I didn't want to write about it in public, I didn't want anyone to know because I was so scared I would loose the baby and I didn't want to have to keep going over it to everyone, and it felt like a lie to write and not talk about the most major thing going on in my life. In fact for most of the last year it has been all that happened in my life, as it took so much from me all I could do was sleep and grow my gorgeous little boy. I'm sure at some point I will write about the pregnancy in detail but there are many aspects of it I find hard to think about and I'm not in the mood and this is not that kind of post.

Edward Lawrence Crossland Dallyn was born on the 21st December 2007 and everything since has been rather beautiful for the most part. He is the most perfect little baby you could possibly wish for. He is so well behaved all the time, and recently has started smiling and giggling. It is such a joyous thing to fall asleep wrapped up in Luke's arms knowing that I will wake up to see little Edward smiling at me from his cot in the morning.

I'm enjoying being a mother very much, it's a role to which I'm naturally suited I think. I enjoy looking after people and fussing, which is perfect as that's just what babies need. I also love all the toys I now have an excuse to play with, especially the ones with that crunch-crinkly stuff in, it just feels so cool and makes the most awesome noise!!

My university course has gone on hold, however I intend to go back this September, I hope to go full time, but even part time would be lovely as I miss it terribly and I miss using my brain. I actually did some acupuncture the other day for the first time in ages on Luke's mummy, it didn't solve the problem, but it made an aspect of it a little better which I'm quite proud of.

At the moment we are looking into moving back to London. I have missed the city every day since I left last summer to go and stay at Luke's. We didn't move back there in September as we thought living with my sister in Caterham would work well, sadly is hasn't as we are too isolated and the whole house is full of mould and smells of cupboard!!

My health has been ok, but not brilliant, I started to pick up well after the pregnancy, but then have had a series of tummy bugs, colds and an infected port-a-cath which have kept me in hospital and away from my new family far too much. However I'm feeling very positive now and hope I can get a few really good clear months at home to enjoy the company of my gorgeous boys :o)

Drinkies With Cousin Emily and Duncan

I'd actually lost track of when we were supposed to be having our drinkies with Emily as Luke had 'arranged' it, and I'd actually thought it was going to be the day after, however when Emily texted to check it was still on for today I agreed as Edward is due jabs tomorrow and I didn't fancy taking him to London after those as he's often crabby.

It got to quite late in the afternoon before we headed out. I was tired and scared of getting more tired when out, as I often do when I haven't left the house/hospital for a while, however I knew we'd enjoy it once we got there. I contemplated putting in my hair extensions, but didn't really have time in the end, so just shoved in my purple streak (which Andy noticed later without prompting, good Andy!)

The journey up was uneventful, though we kind of dreaded leaving the tube at Great Portland St. as it was peeing with rain. However the pub was really close so we just went for it and actually didn't get too wet. The pub was really nice, and we each got a drink as we thought it would be a while before Emily and Duncan arrived.

Actually they weren't long at all, and arrived before we'd even sat down. We were seated in the corner on the sofas. Edward had some milk and then lots of cuddles and bouncing with Emily who may be his new biggest and broodiest fan! He then decided daddy cuddles were better as it gave him a much better position for eyeing up the waitresses.

We chatted about lots of things, but mostly the complexities of the Greatham family politics and our planned move to London. We had thought that another one of the cousins from Ireland was going to join us, but he couldn't in the end, which meant we never ate more than nibbles, (discovering that shocking Luke likes hummus!) but overall it was a really fun evening out, and it was a shame when we had to head home.

The plan is for Emily to have Edward at the weekend so we can go flat hunting, they are planning to take him to the park, maybe in his buggy, maybe in his sling, which should be fun :o)

Note - sadly when I tried to arrange viewings they wouldn't do them at the weekend, but as we are hopefully going to be living in London soon I'm sure there will be plenty of opportunities for Edward to go and play with his favorite cousin!

A Response To The Wordpress

Dear You

I want to write to you today, I cannot justify nor untangle my reasons why. I want it to be selfless and comforting to you, though I suspect it is only a means to comfort myself.

I read what you write, whenever you post it, and though I often phrase long passionate replies in my mind, I rarely write them. I don’t know why I do that either, which leads me to think that maybe today is simply the outpouring of all of those previous unwritten sentiments.

I love you and have since the first time we met, though it is something I strive to forget because it is so absurd, yet, every so often it flares like a bright flame cool and utterly precise and unquestionable in my mind and I miss your company as a friend even though I never truly had it.

All of this spores from what you wrote, leaks out from all the things you didn’t write. I hate it when you are fake, when you gloss over and edit out in order to please your public, in order to make it more palatable. It strikes me sometimes you are trying to be as inspirational as Emily who decorates everything with pink awe inspiring glitter. You are not her and you do not need to try. You are something darker and colder, depressed into a state of cutting weariness by the very fabric of what you are and it makes you one of the most beautiful creatures I have ever witnessed. It makes you more like me.

I dislike the strained metaphors, but take strength from the true ones. I admire the harsh honesty you inflict upon yourself the most. I suppose it is quite vulgar of me to take such solace from the observation of you torturing yourself with the ideals of who you want to be, but I conclude that I as do it to myself constantly it is equitable.

There seems to be something harsh about criticising your thoughts when they are so personal and yet so freely proffered, however you are an artist whose entire profession is constantly measured by people who know little, and like to think they know much, so in that fashion this all becomes quite fitting.

You wrote to me some time ago asking about my new life, I never responded because I didn’t know how to. I wanted to enthuse about knowledge and adventures however whenever I sat to compose all that came to me was the distinct sense that you wanted to hear how hard it all is so that you didn’t feel so alone, and like you were missing out on so much.

I have learnt a lot here, there are whole wild days where I can feel erudition flowing into me until ever border along the fabric of my being is overcome with an ecstatic saturation whereupon it is all I can do to hold myself together and not shatter with insurmountable glee!

There are other days when I spend long glittering hours staring out of high windows wondering exactly how far it really is to fall, and if perhaps it would be best to let my broken body shatter spectacularly upon the pavement with pools of viscous blood gathered around me like blooms, rather than continuing upon a path that is so utterly refuting of it’s end destination.

I like both equally.

Most days however possess no extremes in any direction, they just lull into a sustainable reality that glows with my love for Luke and that focuses upon little besides what time are lectures, what time is dinner, and have I completed the treatment chart that I have so ambitiously and judgementally laid upon my desk. I am surrounded by friends who love me and acquaintances who respect me. My life is probably more perfect than it has been for a considerably long time.

I am content but admittedly unsettled, the eternal pessimist, I am waiting for it to crash, I am waiting for my world to become like yours, and question languidly to what extent I am forcing it in that direction.

I feel like I am on hold, like this is just a process to become something else, and yet it is taking everything from me and at the end I may not actually be capable of dealing with the responsibility of what I have become. Yet I love it, more than anything else I have ever done and feel like my whole life has been a sole-minded journey to the point I am at now. Incongruously that makes me feel incredibly set and determined, I have found my purpose and a clear set ideal of what I am to become and the path I must walk to attain it, somehow that makes the walking all the easier.

I want to ask you not to give up hope, I want to ask you not to let your inspirational writing sink into a method of counting down to an end you don’t believe you will reach – however it seems crass and unfair, hold your hope where you feel it truly belongs, and let your writing continue to document your tenuious life with the cutting brutality I have come to love.

Smile through it darling, for me it you are succeeding in your aspiration to make sense of it all.

My Eternal Love and Respect

Toria

Paris

I woke up early on the Saturday morning as I had to finish both pieces of PPD (personal professional development) coursework, aswell as a clinic observation report. I wanted to get it all done and submitted before I flew out to Paris just incase there was a problem getting back.

I actually progressed quite speedily and got the PPD done by lunchtime, leaving me the afternoon to get the clinic-ob done. This took me a little longer than planned, mostly due to the eternal nightmare of trying to get a table to format properly in Word.

It was then a case of packing and having the obligatory 'oh shit where's my passport' moment, the whole time worrying that I was going to be late for dinner at my parents. Eventally we left the house at about 7, and made our way over to New Cavendish only to find the damm campus was closed and so I couldn't hand it in anyway!

We then walked up to Warren St., overcome with the skippy joy of steroids, and because we were running late I even ran to catch the bus!! The train ride on from there was pretty long and boring, though I did read a leaflet about a campaign to encourage fair wages and better working environments for those connected to the tourism industry in 3rd world countries. Luke pointed out though that the base of the campagin, which centred on adhereing to international law, was invalid because most of the countries involved weren't signed up to it. However I still feel the sentiment stands.

We then had a short wait in the very cold air (so used to the big warm city!) before dmama arrived with Shellie my sister, and her friend Simon. I was expecting us to rush home for fajitas but instead Shellie had decided that she wanted to show Simon around where we grew up, so we had a slightly mad drive around in the dark to look at our old primary school, and the place where Shellie was Christened as we narrated lots of silly stories.

When we got home Alex was cooking the dinner. He looks so tall and so grown up now, and when he cuddles me I can feel that he's finally turning into an adolescent, I can feel the potential of what he's going to be as an adult, as a man. I am immensely proud of him, for all his many flaws he is growing into a truly awesome person I'm proud to call my brother.

Dinner was a quite jovial affair, we were all in high flirtatious spirits and feeling like true Crosslands. Simon of course fitted into it all effortlessly just like in Gibralta. Luke was quiet, and I fussed and worried to make sure he was ok, which probably just made it worse, I should know by now he is always quiet, it's just sometimes I notice the contrast more. I want him to feel at home amoungst us, as much as I feel at home at Greatham.

After dinner Luke and Alex and I watched Doom for a little while, but I got a bit scared, and Luke didn't want me to have nightmares so he carried me out of the room! SO cute! Then I realised how late it was, and that I was actually pretty tired and cold, so I made my way haistily to bed.

Mummy had meant for us to sleep in the caravan, but in a repeat of new years no one had switched the heating on. So I decided to screw that and went up to my bedroom, and emptied my bed of all the random crap that has been dumped in there... which, for reasons quite beyond me... consisted of paperwork, knickers and many dog biscuits!!

Luke followed me up, and we got into bed. There was something special about having him there, and we talked for a while about nothing at all, it was one of the most comfortable moments of my life.

We then realsied we really ought to stop talking and sleep as we were having to get up at aboout 5am!

Note - I never wrote any more on this post, and I don't intend to, the weekend in Paris was awful for reasons I never could put my finger on. Marillion were fabulous of course, but the crazy moustached man who spent the entire gig elbowing Luke so hard he left bruises should be shot.