Been a while...

Like so many blogs upon the web this one has been horribly neglected for far too long, almost a year in-fact.

There are many reasons for this, partly I lost my log in details and couldn't be arsed to spend the whole 3 minutes it takes to find them. The last posts on here were just before exam season where I was rather busy handing in course-work and cramming so I just didn't find or make the time.

Not long after that I found out I was pregnant. I didn't want to write about it in public, I didn't want anyone to know because I was so scared I would loose the baby and I didn't want to have to keep going over it to everyone, and it felt like a lie to write and not talk about the most major thing going on in my life. In fact for most of the last year it has been all that happened in my life, as it took so much from me all I could do was sleep and grow my gorgeous little boy. I'm sure at some point I will write about the pregnancy in detail but there are many aspects of it I find hard to think about and I'm not in the mood and this is not that kind of post.

Edward Lawrence Crossland Dallyn was born on the 21st December 2007 and everything since has been rather beautiful for the most part. He is the most perfect little baby you could possibly wish for. He is so well behaved all the time, and recently has started smiling and giggling. It is such a joyous thing to fall asleep wrapped up in Luke's arms knowing that I will wake up to see little Edward smiling at me from his cot in the morning.

I'm enjoying being a mother very much, it's a role to which I'm naturally suited I think. I enjoy looking after people and fussing, which is perfect as that's just what babies need. I also love all the toys I now have an excuse to play with, especially the ones with that crunch-crinkly stuff in, it just feels so cool and makes the most awesome noise!!

My university course has gone on hold, however I intend to go back this September, I hope to go full time, but even part time would be lovely as I miss it terribly and I miss using my brain. I actually did some acupuncture the other day for the first time in ages on Luke's mummy, it didn't solve the problem, but it made an aspect of it a little better which I'm quite proud of.

At the moment we are looking into moving back to London. I have missed the city every day since I left last summer to go and stay at Luke's. We didn't move back there in September as we thought living with my sister in Caterham would work well, sadly is hasn't as we are too isolated and the whole house is full of mould and smells of cupboard!!

My health has been ok, but not brilliant, I started to pick up well after the pregnancy, but then have had a series of tummy bugs, colds and an infected port-a-cath which have kept me in hospital and away from my new family far too much. However I'm feeling very positive now and hope I can get a few really good clear months at home to enjoy the company of my gorgeous boys :o)

So this would be the start...

I don't really know how this blog is going to turn out, I had another one a while ago that began as a tour-diary plotting my adventures as I skipped about the globe following my beloved bands, but then it descended into the odd update usually posted when I felt particularly strongly about some event or another.

I like having diaries, I try and keep one, though I start off well I then don't find the time to write them. Though I have decided that having an online one where I can type it in, and it will keep it for me in a nice ordered fashion may help matters. I have a tendency to not write anything for a while, and then write pages of stuff, which my little paper diary isn't really suitable for, so hopefully this will provide a better space for that. It will also be more legible!!

To some extent this is an homage to my friends Oli and Emily who both have blogs which I have found to be terrifying, amusing and a source of more strength than I can even begin to quantify. They both plot their end-stage Cystic Fibrosis journeys towards heart-lung transplants, and in Emily's case the life that follows one. The amount of times I have sat reading them and read my own frustrations before me, or been forced to admit a truth I was otherwise avoiding doesn't bare counting. I have come to the conclusion that it would be helpful to me to go through that process myself rather than extrapolating from theirs.

This element of self support is a continuing theme. I often find it helpful to read stuff written some time ago at a point when I was feeling strong and together, it reminds me what I am capable of, and stops me sinking into hopeless self pity, or just acts as a venting platform so I can drop the issue and move on.

In-fact the title of this blog comes from something I wrote once, I have referred to it so often now that I forget where I originally wrote it, but I think it first appeared in a letter I wrote to my dear friend h explaining everything that had been going on in my world, most notably its recent collapse, but I had come through it, and all the healing from it, with the strong determined attitude that I continue to uphold, this being...

...I was not made for one person, nor one life and I am capable of anything.